When Family Isn’t Safe: A Trail Tool for Navigating Family Wounds

Some wounds don’t leave bruises.

They show up in the pause before you speak. In the anxiety before a phone call. In the way your body tightens when someone says “family is everything.”

But what if family wasn’t everything?What if family was inconsistent, controlling, unsafe, or simply didn’t see you?

It’s a hard thing to name. Especially when the world often idealises family as a place of unconditional love. But for many of us, family was where we first learned to abandon ourselves, to be the peacekeeper, the achiever, the one who stayed silent to keep things stable.

You might have learned:

• That your needs were too much

• That love had to be earned

• That safety meant staying invisible

And now, as an adult, you carry that. In your relationships. In your work. In your nervous system. You might feel exhausted, resentful, guilty or simply confused by how much “small” interactions still seem to hijack your peace.

The Grief of Naming It

Part of healing from difficult family dynamics means making space for grief.

Grief for what you didn’t get.Grief for what others seem to have.Grief for the fact that maybe you’re doing all the work to keep a connection alive, and it’s costing you more than it gives.

This doesn’t mean cutting people off. It doesn’t mean blaming. It just means telling the truth to yourself, gently and without shame.

Because the moment you name it, something shifts. You start to come home to yourself.

Trail Tool: The Boundary Rehearsal

When you’ve grown up in a family system that dismissed, criticised, or overrode your needs, setting boundaries can feel impossible. Even unsafe.

But it starts small. Sometimes not even with action, but with imagination. By practising the words before you speak them. Giving yourself permission to say no, to take space, to protect your peace.

Try this:

Write down a sentence you’d say to a family member if fear wasn’t in the room:

"It matters to me that..."I feel [emotion] when you...""For now, I need..."

Let your body feel the sentence, not just your head.

Say it aloud when you’re alone. Let your nervous system hear you—because it’s not the other person you’re convincing. It’s yourself.

This isn’t a confrontation. It’s quiet reclamation.

And Also This…

Not all family dynamics are overtly toxic. Some are quietly painful.

The mother who only relates through fixing.The father who never really saw you.The sibling who expects you to stay small so they can feel big.The unspoken pressure to conform to the version of you they prefer.

Even in “good families,” there can be roles you never chose, stories you were forced to carry, and emotional labour you’re still doing.

So if you’re the one who is kind but tired, loyal but resentful, loving but distant—this is for you.

You’re not wrong for needing space. You’re not broken for wanting peace. You’re just human. And you’re allowed to choose yourself.

Tools for the Trail aren’t about fixing yourself. They’re about finding your way back to you, especially when the map you were handed didn’t include a path for that.

If you’re navigating complex family stuff and want space to explore it gently, get in touch. You don’t have to do it alone.

With warmth and wildness, Sarah x

BACP & NCPS Accredited Psychotherapist

Rewild your mind. Come home to yourself.